For Wei Ying - Courting

[lan_wangji]

It seems that nearly every day with Wei Ying, Lan Wangji has found himself doing or thinking something he'd never imagined for himself. He supposes he has proceeded with their relationship in the wrong order. He has provided a house for them and their pets, not long after declaring love. He has pushed them along quickly and only now has he stopped and realized he has failed to offer Wei Ying the courting he deserves.

He will court him and if accepted, he will marry him. Wei Ying will be treated as reverently as he deserves.

The gifts, in the end, prove the most difficult hurdle. Lan Wangji has never allowed himself to entertain the fleeting thoughts of courtship he'd had prior to Wei Ying's death and this place lacks gifts made in the proper style. In the end, after some carefully worded questioning, he'd found something suitable in a place called an Antique shop. The comb and matching hair pin are finely made in a white jade that he thinks will look lovely in Wei Ying's hair. The style is not precisely correct but they are simple and durable and as he carefully places them in a wooden box, he hopes well received.

He has prepared a spread of Wei Ying's favorite, spiciest foods and wine to be eaten outdoors on this lovely, temperate evening. Now he must simply wait, seated neatly on a blanket with the box next to him, watching the river flow by.

Comments

[yiling_laozu]

He's in a mood.

The day has been a disaster since he left the house, and not even the journey back towards it has improved Wei Wuxian's day. First his bicycle got a flat, and then the repaired tube simply rolled right off the wheel and down the street, deflating steadily all the while. His third attempt to go anywhere after his long delay resulted in flying right through a deep puddle he hadn't seen through the fallen leaves atop it, he's so muddy and he hasn't even had fun becoming so! After all of that, he'd somehow forgotten to bring any coin with him, so even the tea he bought to cheer himself had been left abandoned on the store counter.

He scowls as he bikes the last mile towards home, parking his steed behind the house where Lan Wangji can't see it. Lan Wangji, who is sitting in the grass, pristine in his white robes while Wei Wuxian ambles towards him, walking oddly in the hopes that the mud on his robes might somehow be lost in the folds.

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji takes a deep breath, eyes still closed as he starts to bring himself out of his meditation at the sound of Wei Ying's arrival. It is very quiet. It is, actually, far too quiet for any sort of arrival featuring Wei Ying and he finds himself immediately missing the inane chatter that brings their home to life.

He opens his eyes and peers over, frowning as he sees Wei Ying walking strangely, face stony and flecked with what looks very much like mud. His hair is disheveled, even for Wei Ying and the entire thing is deeply suspicious. He sees no immediate injury and so waits for Wei Ying to draw closer.

"Wei Ying," he murmurs, legs crossed and back still ramrod straight. "Are you alright?"

[yiling_laozu]

Hands fisting at his sides, Wei Wuxian nods. Is Lan Wangji going to take his bike away if he hears how much trouble it gave him today? Such an act wouldn't be entirely without precedent, but Wei Wuxian won't allow that, and then they'll have to fight. Briefly, he considers tripping here and now and blaming the dirt all over him on that, but he'd still get his filth all over Lan Wangji's fine robes.

He's always getting filth on him. On himself, on other people, even when he's trying to do the opposite. It occurs to him then that he's pointlessly wrathful in the way that often comes with skipping meals, but even the thought of food appeals less to him now than a good scream. He'd surely feel better if he'd had that tea.

"Ah, Lan Zhan," he answers. "I wasn't able to get what I came to town for. What a wasted afternoon!"

[lan_wangji]

"It certainly looks as if it was eventful," Lan Wangji murmurs, eyeing the clearly mud soaked robes and shoes right at the edge of the blanket. "Remove outer robe and shoes and join me," he says, moving the box to his other side to make immediate room for Wei Ying.

He reaches over for the jar of wine and reaches up to offer it to Wei Ying. Lan Wangji thinks he will surely share what has happened if Lan Wangji can convince him to sit.

[yiling_laozu]

Lan Wangji is being kind, offering him wine and a clean place to sit, but Wei Wuxian's mood only sours further. Even if he removed his outer robes, he felt the mud slosh over his trousers, and if it reached that far it's surely on his inner robes as well, his calves and ankles. Instead of enjoying the lovely spread Lan Wangji has laid out for him, he's going to have to go change entirely and probably bathe, too.

It's only the specter of shijie's frowning face that prevents him stomping his foot. "Lan Zhan," he huffs. "I'll clean up." If they were in their youth, yet, he might even disturbing Lan Wangji's perfect peace, but now he can only see himself as a hindrance. "I'll be quick."

[lan_wangji]

He sets the wine down immediately, realizing that whatever has happened has had far greater an impact than Lan Wangji had realized. He rises smoothly, glancing down for a split second at the gift and the dinner before deciding that it can all wait. It is all for Wei Ying and therefore should be given when Wei Ying is ready to receive.

"I will come with you. Or I can heat up the outdoor tub for you. Join you," he states, folding his hands behind his back as his mind furiously tries to chart the best course of action. "Wei Ying can tell me what has happened."

[yiling_laozu]

"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian whines, feeling his eyes grow hot. He's always so kind and so good to him, and Wei Wuxian feels like such a terror. Knowing so doesn't seem to help him escape his childishness at all. He's still tired - tired of the day, tired of being cold all the time, tired of feeling so empty inside when he used to feel so full. He wouldn't need a bike at all if he could still fly on his sword, and he doesn't regret the choices he's made but just now it doesn't feel fair.

"Nothing happened," he blurts. "The city hates me, that's all." His stomach twists again, empty and aching. "Darrow dares not break tradition with all the other cities that hate me too."

[lan_wangji]

Upon seeing Wei Ying's eyes grow red and glassy, Lan Wangji steps forward, cupping Wei Ying's agitated and face and pressing close. He does not care about mud. One of the first things all disciples of Gusu Lan Sect learned were spells to clean their robes as youth had been no excuse for anything less than pristine robes.

"Darrow does not hate you," he murmurs, thumb sweeping across an overly warm cheek. "The city is lively and unique, just as you are."

He turns for a moment and traces a character in air before sending it hurtling towards their outdoor tub, heating it in a near instant. He prefers using the actual heating mechanism but that would be far too slow. "Bathe here and tell me of what is troubling you. I will clean your clothes."

[yiling_laozu]

"It does," Wei Wuxian mutters, resisting the urge to press his dirty cheek to Lan Wangji's ever solid shoulder. He lifts his head for Lan Wangji's sudden display of magic, never in so foul a mood that he can't appreciate majesty when he sees it, and gives a sullen nod. Being naked is surely preferable to being clothed and an ass.

"I will get mud in the bath," he warns even as he begins stripping, leaving his filthy clothes on the ground as he steps out of them. "Lan Zhan, everything went wrong. My bike broke three times!"

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji carefully picks each piece of soiled clothing up as it is flung off or otherwise discarded, raising his eyebrows at the failure of the bicycle. That will need to be addressed as Wei Ying ought not to have been sold a substandard item but it can wait until tomorrow, until after this apparently wretched day is over.

"Bath is for washing off dirt," he points out, trying to wordlessly shoo Wei Ying towards it. He eyes the pale, dirty skin but finds no immediate bruising or abrasion. "While you were riding? Is that why you are dirty?"

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian reaches the edge of the tub and hauls himself over the side, disappearing into the sudden, shocking heat for a long moment before he clears the surface again, hooking his elbows over the edge. If nothing else, he feels better for having such a dramatic perch for his whining.

"No," he answers. "That happened when my bike was finally properly working again. There is so much mud since the snow melted, so many puddles covered in new leaves as they fall." The spray had actually been exciting for a few stolen moments - right before it all descended into Wei Wuxian's robes. "I rode through what is surely a new lake."

[lan_wangji]

"I am sorry," Lan Wangji murmurs, setting the clothes aside and leaning to kiss Wei Ying's pout. He runs a hand through Wei Ying's now soaked hair, working out a few clumps of mud.

"I would have felt deeply frustrated," he says and it is not a lie. One of the many reasons Lan Wangji prefers flying is to be removed from the general muck of the roads below. To have it happen after other frustration would have been profoundly irritating. He reaches for the soap and lathers a little in his hands before moving to push through Wei Ying's hair, again.

[yiling_laozu]

In truth the heat of the water is making Wei Wuxian even more tired and his stomach emptier, but Lan Wangji's fingers against his scalp are heaven. He crowds shamelessly towards him, probably slopping water over the side but too deep in his feelings to care.

"I had so many plans," he murmurs, eyes closed. "I was going to get a tea and more parchment, find my Lan Zhan a book, Jin Rulan a new toy." Instead he'd done nothing of note but suffer through pointless indignity after indignity. "I miss flying," he sighs before he can stop himself.

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji leans in closer to prop Wei Ying's mournfully hung head on his shoulder while he rinses Wei Ying's hair with the cup he keeps with the other bathing accessories. They had quickly realized that leaving the items outdoors was more efficient and meant more time enjoying each other in the tub.

"All of this was ruined by the bicycle?" he asks, trying to put the picture together in his mind. Now he wonders if Wei Ying had made it into town at all.

"Suibian may still come," he murmurs against Wei Ying's temple. "And you can try Bichen, anytime you desire."

[yiling_laozu]

Oftentimes, Wei Wuxian isn't at all sure he deserves kindness. It would make sense, too, as the world has been reticent to show him any. Dead parents, feral dogs, a hateful new stand-in mother, all gifts to him from the universe before he was even five years old. Wei Wuxian doesn't often dwell on these things, but now, hungry and sulky and low, he settles into them deeply.

"You want me to be like I was," he murmurs, cutting so close to the heart of his fears by accident that he nearly flinches in Lan Wangji's gracious hold. "In Gusu when we met. Nothing bothered me then. But things bother me now, Lan Zhan. I am bothered. Suibian will not change that."

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji does flinch at Wei Ying's words, accusing and low. He pulls back, brow furrowed and eyes wide in surprise as he tries to meet Wei Ying's gaze

"Untrue," he insists, fingers hovering just above Wei Ying's shoulders. "Have never wanted that. Have never said such a thing." He certainly does not think he has implied such a thing but perhaps he has missed something or done something. It would not be the first times his failings with words has hurt someone.

"Wei Ying can be bothered but I do not understand the source."

[yiling_laozu]

"No?" He fights the smile, but feels the curve as it reaches his cheeks anyway, ugly, angry. It isn't anything that he wants, but in this moment Wei Wuxian can't seem to get out from beneath his own trampling feet. "You never stopped bringing me my sword. It isn't a doll, Lan Zhan. It's not a blanket, it's not a talisman, it can't make me better. It's just a sword!"

His eyes are hot again, irritated by the steam, he hopes. Foolish words won't stop pouring from his mouth, and he doesn't even have the comfort of knowing why. Pretending that he's fine has always worked - it doesn't make sense that it would stop holding now. "Suibian isn't going to fix me!"

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji has seen agitation like this from Wei Ying, before. He has seen it and he has seen what it can become and the very though of it is enough to send chills down his spine.

He simply does not understand what has caused it and if it were him which is sounds as if it must at least partially be, he does not understand what he has done.

"It protects you," he murmurs, half to himself, mind playing back the many times he had tried to return Suibian to no avail. It still makes no sense why Wei Ying eschewed traditional cultivation so thoroughly but Lan Wangji has made peace with the fact that he must let it go if they are to move forward. "I apologize," he tries, leaning in to try and grab Wei Ying's hand. "Please, tell me the source of this. Is it, is it the Wens?" he tries, having felt that Wei Ying has lacked any resolution to that horror but never bold enough to voice it.

[yiling_laozu]

Not prepared for such a mention, Wei Wuxian flinches in the water, sightless and staring as Lan Wangji claims his hand. The Wens? Troubling him now? There are few moments when they don't trouble him, but he doesn't think their loss is the cause of his mood.

He laughs without humor. "I tried so hard to save them. So hard, Lan Zhan." He need not mention all that he gave up to do so either, for Lan Wangji knows. "In the end I did not save a one. That was Hanguang-Jun."

There could have been more. If Wei Wuxian had not been standing alone, fighting alone, there could have been more, but not even his sorry state is enough to move that past his lips. Wei Wuxian rests his cheek against his folded arm. "Have I ever done good, Lan Zhan?"

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji breathes, confused and horrified at the words of self-hate. He kisses Wei Ying's knuckles before kicking off both shoes and launching himself into the tub, fully clothed.

"They would have died long before had it not been for you, A-Yuan is alive because of what you did." He reaches out, wanting to pull Wei Ying close but unsure if his touch is wanted. "Wei Ying is good."

[yiling_laozu]

"L-Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian yelps, to startled to do more than stare as Lan Wangji drops into the water next to him, all the robes he was so afraid of sullying now soaked through. Absurdly, Wei Wuxian grabs the edge of his outer robe and holds it out of the water, finding his forearm enveloped by one of Lan Wangji's broad hands instead.

He lifts his eyes, then pushes forward, tucking his head beneath Lan Wangji's chin. He isn't good - he's done too many foul things, hurt too many people, tried to do better and failed - but for some reason Lan Wangji loves him anyway. "You're the only one who believes that," he murmurs into wet robes. "Thank you."

[lan_wangji]

He sighs, wrapping Wei Ying up and resting his chin on the top of Wei Ying's head. He holds him as tightly as he thinks Wei Ying will allow and drops a quick kiss before he speaks.

"The things that happened are not your fault, fault of others not as brave or good. They are more my fault than yours, if Wei Ying is so insisting on blame," he murmurs against his wet hair. "What has brought all of this on, hm? How long have you been feeling this way?"

[yiling_laozu]

Lan Wangji holds him so fiercely, and Wei Wuxian relaxes bit by bit in the safety of that vicelike grip. How long? Madam Yu had told him he was useless from childhood, but he can't recall when he began to believe her. He does know, quite viscerally, when he had known it would always be true.

"I killed shijie's great love," he whispers, imagining for a moment that the hot steam against his cheek is the spray of fresh blood that he will never forget. "No good man does that to his own sister."

[lan_wangji]

"You did not kill Jin Zixuan," he bites out, grip tightening in insistence. "Something happened to Wen Ning's control over his consciousness but it is not your doing nor your fault."

He pulls back just enough to kiss Wei Ying's temple and pushes his wet hair away from his shoulder and kisses that as well.

"Wei Ying, you have such anger inside. I do not fault you for it. It is well earned. But do you truly feel I do not want you as you are? Has something happened for you to feel this?"

[yiling_laozu]

He could have come home, left the bad day behind and had a meal. Lan Wangji put wine into his hand and Wei Wuxian refused it, and now he is naked in the water next to his fully clothed lover, picking at the most tender places of his heart. Wei Wuxian fights a disdainful snort aimed in his own direction.

"When Wen Ning was my Ghost General, I was his consciousness. I don't understand what happened that day, how I lost control so utterly, but the fault is more mine than his." He pulls back to gaze at him through the steam. "I'm a murderer. And Hanguang-Jun is Hanguang-Jun. You could have had someone magnificent to love you. It is what you have always deserved. I know you want me, but you deserve more than a mud-soaked failure and a fool."