For Wei Ying - post blindfold kiss

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji has not slept in over twenty four hours. He'd been awash and shame and drunkeness until enough hours had passed that he was then left with shame and a state of vomiting he assumes was from the alcohol. Hanguang-Jun does not vomit and certainly does not vomit in a shared washroom. But apparently Lan Zhan of Odinhaus does all of these things.

He'd taken advantage of Wei Ying. He'd taken his first kiss, by force, and under shameful cover. He'd taken pleasure in Wei Ying's body and it had taken hours of drunken meditation to get himself under control. The weather had been unpleasant and icy the day after the party so he thinks his absence will not be read into by Wei Ying but by day 2 he knows that not even checking in with Wei Ying would be suspicious.

And cruel.

He can't be even more cruel. He wraps himself up in his warmest robes, grabs a new bottle of wine and walks through the snow towards Heimdallhaus. The sun is bright in the sky and if it were any other day, he would enjoy a walk in the woods, enjoying the quiet that snow always brings. But Lan Zhan does not deserve such things.

Comments

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian is making a similar journey. Sadly, he doesn't have wine for his, but he does have Little Apple. If he chickens out and takes her to the stables on his way to Odinhaus, he can simply pretend that was his plan all along.

Even her hoofed footsteps are silent in the snow, and Wei Wuxian loses himself for a while in the quiet. It's peaceful and still, blinding white in every direction but for the warm places where the sun touches. He sighs, beginning to make his way around the castle grounds towards Odinhaus - or Honir - when his steps come to an abrupt halt.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian blurts, for the man is only three short strides ahead of him.

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying," he breathes, eyes wide to find him suddenly here, looking as haggard as Lan Zhan. What has he done? He pushed himself on Wei Ying when he was helpless and stole something precious and then hid like a coward.

He thrusts his arm out, offering the wine as if that can somehow make up for his actions. "Made more for Wei Ying. Was coming to give it to you. Are you well?"

[yiling_laozu]

He is immaculate, yet there are shadows beneath Lan Wangji's eyes. Wei Wuxian's first instinct is to turn him by his shoulders and send him off to bed, but he finds he can't move. Not even to take the wine, of which he is sorely in need.

Little Apple headbutts his hip and sends him stumbling forward, and Wei Wuxian tries for a smile. "Well enough," he manages, finally reaching not for the wine, but to feel Lan Wangji's foreheaed. "Are you ill?"

[lan_wangji]

Lan Zhan closes his eyes briefly, startled not only at the touch of Wei Ying's hand but at his concern when Wei Ying is the victim.

"No, am fine," he murmurs, dropping the arm holding the wine and instead wrapping his free hand carefully around Wei Ying's wrist. "Did I interrupt? Wei Ying was going somewhere?"

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian opens his mouth, only to feel a rush of panic. "The stables," he answers, buying him and his cowardice some time. He manages to smile properly this time. "They are tired of Little Apple's braying in Heimdallhaus, so I thought it best to have her spend her nights in Honirhaus from now on."

He tugs his wrist to draw Lan Wangji with him. "Want to follow?"

[lan_wangji]

Ah.

A selfish, shameful part of him had hoped Wei Ying was coming to find him just as he was coming to find Wei Ying but he does not deserve to be looked for.

"Mm."

He wants to take Wei Ying's hand, thread their fingers like he might have been bold enough to do but instead he simply lets go and follows. He pats Little Apple to encourage him to be good. "Am glad she arrived for you."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian smiles down at the ground. Perhaps it is cowardice, but it's nice to share a last, normal walk with Lan Wangji before Wei Wuxian jettisons their easy relationship into space. "Me too, even if Heimdallhaus is not. What did you ask the gods for?" he asks, realizing he never saw Lan Wangji with anything new from home.

[lan_wangji]

"Nothing," he answers, moving quietly through the snow, glad for the chill in the air and the way everything looks more uniform and clean with the snow. It makes it easier to think and to calm his mind as much as is possible.

"Have Bichen and my guqin. Have Wei Ying. Have the bunnies. That is all I wanted. Could not think of anything," he answers. He'd had few personal, meaningful possessions to begin with and hadn't allowed himself to form any new personal attachments, after his seclusion. He thought about asking for gentians but hadn't been able to decide if the request would be appropriate.

"Little Apple was a good choice. She is willful and naughty. Good companion."

[yiling_laozu]

"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian groans, "You are too practical. You could have asked for a mountain of wine for Wei Ying!" Which he would have dearly loved, but Wei Wuxian is teasing. "Or a curtain or a screen from the Cloud Recesses to decorate our future home."

He nearly missteps in the snow. Would they still have a future home? Will Lan Wangji want it after Wei Wuxian shames him with questions? "Next time," he says in a weaker voice, "Consult me."

[lan_wangji]

Lan Zhan had not indeed thought of any of those things, far too practical and far too literal in his understanding of the God's offer as Wei Ying has said.

And he certainly had never dared let himself seriously dream about the home. He's always known it would not work, that he cannot hide himself forever and certainly not in such close proximity. He's just not known how to tell Wei Ying.

He is broken out of his worry at Wei Ying's tone, voice tighter and softer than Lan Zhan cares to hear from him without reason. Something is wrong and it must be what he has done. He cannot keep letting Wei Ying suffer over something that is not his fault.

"Wei Ying. What is wrong? Please do not say it is nothing" he asks, bracing himself to confess, to beg forgiveness, for whatever he must do to make this right.

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian's shoulders round, and he forces himself not to put Little Apple between them. "I'm afraid," he says, trying to sort out his words. He thought he'd have a longer walk to decide on them, but in truth no amount of time would have been enough to make him comfortable.

To make him stop dreading this.

"Lan Zhan is the most important thing in the world to me," he says. "I don't want to lose you." It's almost the whole truth. Wei Wuxian forces the words from his mouth. "I'm afraid I might."

[lan_wangji]

It is worse than even Lan Zhan had imagined.

He stops walking, wine nearly slipping out of his hand as he stares down at the snow, panic choking him. He looks around, grateful they have found themselves between buildings, somewhat hidden from any unwanted eyes.

"Nothing Wei Ying ever says or does could make Lan Zhan go. Not unless he wanted him to," he manages, turning to look at him, knowing panic is written all over his face. He doesn't understand. Lan Zhan is the one who has done wrong. "Don't understand."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian wants nothing more than to reach out and comfort him, but he makes himself press forward. He folds his hands together, offering Lan Wangji a solemn bow. "I lied to you," he says, almost unable to look at him.

"I told Lan Zhan that I wouldn't miss kissing, but I think I will. I...kissed someone," he continues, shaking himself, "Or they kissed me, and I liked it very much." Dragging his eyes upward, Wei Wuxian waits for the truth of his words to break on Lan Wangji's face.

[lan_wangji]

Oh.

Oh no.

It is worse than he'd even imagined. Wei Ying blames himself. He is bowing to Lan Zhan.

It's all so terrible he nearly misses the confession that the kiss was good. That Wei Ying liked it. He knows he must still look horrified but he does not know what to do. He is Hanguang-Jun, he should immediately go to his knees and confess and beg for forgiveness but he is frozen with guilt and panic and longing.

"Lan Wangji is not angry with Wei Ying," he murmurs, carefully setting the wine down in the snow as he tries to gather himself. "Want Wei Ying to be happy. Want Wei Ying to have kisses. Love," he manages. He wants to comfort Wei Ying and apologize and run all at once but instead he just stands still, heart pounding.

[yiling_laozu]

Lan Wangji's words are ones of comfort, but it's hard to feel reassured when he looks like he's in agony. It's enough to break Wei Wuxian out of his tense and frozen bow.

"I would rather make you angry than sad," he says, coming closer as the snow swallows up his footsteps. "Is Lan Zhan sad that Wei Ying wants to be kissed again? Tell me truly."

[lan_wangji]

He resists the urge to back up and drops his gaze back down to the snow. He does not know how to answer. He's happy Wei Ying liked the kisses; he's sad that he does not believe Wei Ying wanted them with Lan Wangji.

He doesn't know how to answer without lying and he won't lie to Wei Ying. He drops into the snow, kneeling as he offers a bow of his own.

"Lan Wangji cannot answer in such simple terms," he says, voice wavering and tight. "There are things Wei Ying does not know. Things Lan Wangji has kept secret."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian blanches in horror as Lan Wangji drops to his knees. He tugs at his arms, going to his own knees in the snow when Lan Wangji's body proves as immovable as his will. "Not for me," he murmurs, thinking of so many lashes that stripe Lan Wangji's back, "Never again, Lan Zhan."

He continues to tug uselessly at him, finally holding onto Lan Wangji's shoulders. This reaction is so much. This is begging for forgiveness and for punishment both, and Wei Wuxian can hardly imagine what could warrant it. Could Uncle possibly be correct?

Wei Wuxian's gaze drops to Lan Wangji's mouth. Could it really have been these lips that kissed him?

"Lan Zhan," he breathes. "What is it? Quickly tell me."

[lan_wangji]

He closes his eyes, the great Hanguang-Jun too cowardly to look at Wei Ying while he says this. He has ruined everything because he cannot control himself so he will do this correctly.

"Lan Wangji offers apology to Wei Wuxian. Have greatly betrayed him. Held Wei Wuxian against his will. Kissed him. Ran away."

And he liked it. And he's thought of little else ever since.

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian's thunderous heart skips a beat.

Uncle was right. It had seemed so impossible, so shamefully unthinkable. Lan Wangji has already lost so much for Wei Wuxian's sake - he could hardly bear the thought of him debasing himself with the Yiling Patriarch, yet Lan Wangji has done it of his own accord.

Wei Wuxian lifts his hand, dragging trembling fingers through Lan Wangji's long, perfect hair. Like the call of demonic cultivation, he has the sense of something limitless before him, a pool of unending possibility if only he will let himself fall. "Did Lan Zhan also like it?"

[lan_wangji]

He can't stop a shuddering breath at the touch of Wei Ying's hand in his hair, opening his eyes to see Wei Ying's face kind and curious and surprised. Not angry. Not betrayed.

He nods, turning his head just enough to press his face to Wei Ying's hand.

"Afraid that if Wei Ying knew who it was, would no longer like it," he confesses. "Wanted it for years. Wanted it when Wei Ying was gone. Wanted it and took it. I'm sorry I took it from you in such a way."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian breathes out, feeling all of his strength leave him, even as the warmth of Lan Wangji's skin beneath his palm fills him anew. "Lan Zhan," he whispers in admonishment. All this time, all these years - Wei Wuxian had always told himself that he was doing right. Lan Wangji must return to the Cloud Recesses, it was right and proper. Lan Wangji must become Chief Cultivator, and Wei Wuxian would be a distraction.

Always he has tried to give Lan Wangji the space he needs to be extraordinary. He didn't know he was missed the entire time.

"And now?" he asks, sick with it, but asking all the same. "What does Lan Zhan want?"

[lan_wangji]

"Lan Wangji's wants do not matter if they will harm the friendship," he forces himself to say, taking one more moment to feel Wei Ying's touch before he straightens back up, still kneeling.

"Wei Ying liked the kisses when he did not know who gave them. Cannot presume he wants more of them from Lan Wangji. Wei Ying is better than anyone else Lan Wanji has known. Can find many to love him, if he wants."

[yiling_laozu]

Lan Wangji moves back, putting space between them, but Wei Wuxian is concentrating on his words. There are more of them than usual, but tellingly, not a one of them sounds like not you.

Wei Wuxian breaks into a sudden, blinding grin. All these years he's listened to Lan Wangji call him shameless, at times in fondness and others in anger, but it's Lan Wangji who is shameless. He pinned a drunk, blindfolded man to a wall and kissed him breathless. It's extraordinary. Wei Wuxian laughs aloud, seizing Lan Wangji's once more to urge him to rise.

"Come with me, Lan Zhan," he says, patting his hand so Lan Wangji won't think he's laughing at him, even if he is, a bit. This is not a conversation for the open air. "Come out of the snow."

[lan_wangji]

He rises, watching Wei Ying's face carefully to try and understand the meaning of his smile. He is unsure if it is a smile of affection or joy and what it means for them and their kisses.

It is not anger or disgust which is more than Lan Zhan had imagined but he wants to understand.

He looks over at Little Apple and is exceedingly grateful no one else seems to have seen his display.

"Can go to my room. After the stables," he offers, realizing he has diverted the mission Wei Ying had been on. He carefully arranges his place back into its usual, neutral expression lest he look too hopeful.

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian isn't certain they'll make it that far. He's all but bursting with questions, and he transfers his grip of Lan Wangji's wrist to his hand. The stables aren't far, especially so when Wei Wuxian's steps are so quick, his chest full as if he's holding his breath. He breathes out at last as the stable door closes, leaving Little Apple in a warm, dry bed of straw with plenty to eat and drink.

Turning, Wei Wuxian looks again at Lan Zhan at last. He knows that the man loves him, and he now knows that Lan Wangji also likes kissing him. Could they truly have both and be happy? Is it really this simple to find and to hold onto such joy?

"You care for me," he says, clarifying for his own sake. "As shijie cared for Jin Zixuan."