For Wei Ying - Courting

[lan_wangji]

It seems that nearly every day with Wei Ying, Lan Wangji has found himself doing or thinking something he'd never imagined for himself. He supposes he has proceeded with their relationship in the wrong order. He has provided a house for them and their pets, not long after declaring love. He has pushed them along quickly and only now has he stopped and realized he has failed to offer Wei Ying the courting he deserves.

He will court him and if accepted, he will marry him. Wei Ying will be treated as reverently as he deserves.

The gifts, in the end, prove the most difficult hurdle. Lan Wangji has never allowed himself to entertain the fleeting thoughts of courtship he'd had prior to Wei Ying's death and this place lacks gifts made in the proper style. In the end, after some carefully worded questioning, he'd found something suitable in a place called an Antique shop. The comb and matching hair pin are finely made in a white jade that he thinks will look lovely in Wei Ying's hair. The style is not precisely correct but they are simple and durable and as he carefully places them in a wooden box, he hopes well received.

He has prepared a spread of Wei Ying's favorite, spiciest foods and wine to be eaten outdoors on this lovely, temperate evening. Now he must simply wait, seated neatly on a blanket with the box next to him, watching the river flow by.

Comments

[yiling_laozu]

"Don't I?" Wei Wuxian asks with some surprise. It's true that his measure for happiness has changed drastically in recent years, but he feels better here than he had at home. "I'm happy, Lan Zhan. The last time I felt anywhere close to how I do now at home is the day the Wens came to Lotus Pier."

He leans into that touch. "I miss my shijie, and my friends who are gone, and Jiang Cheng, even if I think he no longer misses me," he says, trailing off for a moment. "But I never thought I'd be with someone who loved me as you do anywhere, Lan Zhan. When you look at me, I feel much happiness."

[lan_wangji]

"But you -" he starts, cutting himself off to give more consideration to Wei Ying's words and his own response. It is unfortunate that Lan Wangji knows so little of these things, of what is normal and expected.

"I would have said the same. Wei Ying seems happy," he finally says turning to face Wei Ying and pulling him close. "But the things you said, that you are unworthy and bad. That I expect you to be other than you are. Such thoughts must have been festering for a long time."

His brow pinches with worry that he will misunderstand this, get this wrong somehow. He is worried that Wei Ying is lying to him about his happiness, to protect Lan Wangji of some awful truth.

[yiling_laozu]

"Lan Zhan, I - " Wei Wuxian begins, letting his chin dip so the fall of his hair protects him for a short moment. "Your good opinion is the one that matters to me, only it's - it's the only good one." The are far more who hate than revere him at home, nearly all of the ones to show him faith and kindness dead and gone, and Lan Wangji is enough to keep moving, but that's just it. Wei Wuxian must keep moving - if he lets himself drift for even a second, he'll sink beneath the hatred of everyone else.

"Sometimes I confuse others' voices for your own, or recall what you thought of me when we were young. That's my fault, not yours," he assures him. "My Lan Zhan is nothing but kind and faithful now."

[lan_wangji]

Wei Ying is not wrong, as much as Lan Wangji wishes he could argue with his statement. Every last one of those who knew Wei Ying to be brave and kind save himself is dead. Including one whom Lan Wangji feels he can never reveal as it would lead to the same devastation to which Lan Wangji has already lost Wei Ying back home.

The mention of his own grievous failing hurts, guilt cutting straight through him as he pulls Wei Ying into his lap, wrapping him up as tightly as he can. "I was prideful and ignorant and wrong. I lacked Wei Ying's bravery," he murmurs in apology. "Promise me you will not keep this hurt silent to build. Cannot lose you to it, again."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian tucks in his gangly limbs, making himself small in Lan Wangji's lap as he holds him so close. "You were young and I was against all your rules," he says with fondness, remembering all the many ways he'd devised just to get Lan Wangji to scowl at him.

"Lan Zhan," he says, braver now that his face cannot be seen. "You say that I jumped. I don't feel at all like doing so now. I was only...angry at how terribly my day had gone. It wasn't to do with you."

[lan_wangji]

He tucks Wei Ying as close as he can, wrapping both arms and legs around him as if he can shield him from the pain and hurt that lives inside his head. His precious, good Wei Ying. His brave, righteous Wei Ying.

"You jumped but I caught you," he murmurs against Wei Ying's hair, fingers brushing hair back to pet at the soft skin at the nape of his neck. Wei Ying has always had a fine, delicate neck, one that caught Lan Wangji's eye despite his best efforts. "Caught you with an injured arm. Tried to pull you back but you pulled away and my fingers slipped. Watched you fall until I could not see you. See it all the time. Feel it."

[yiling_laozu]

"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian murmurs, stomach souring as his arms tighten around him in turn. He hadn't realized it had been so prolonged, so endless for Lan Wangji that he has not even escaped it here. No wonder Lan Wangji always holds onto him so tightly, even in slumber. The last time he let go still haunts him.

"That must have been awful. I'm sorry I made you part of it."

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying must not apologize for things that are not his fault," Lan Wangji whispers, pulling back to kiss his forehead and temple. He had tried to die alone, tried not to involve Lan Wangji but he could not let him go, even if he had failed to save him in the end.

"Tell you this not so you will hide your pain for my sake, but so you will understand why it frightens me. Will frighten me less to know of it, rather than to think all is well and be proven wrong."

He knows it is hypocritical to ask such a thing when he has so much trouble expressing his own pain and fear, but he does not know how else to live with this.

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian's next breath catches in his throat. It makes sense, and even if it didn't, knowing that to do otherwise would torture Lan Wangji is reason enough to be open with him, but it's frightening. There are things Lan Wangji doesn't know, things Wei Wuxian wishes he somehow knew so he would not have to tell him, even as he fears his reaction.

Things that are no longer fair to keep to himself, but he needs time. Not for the first time, he tells himself he needs just a little more time. "I will try to do better, Lan Zhan," he whispers.

[lan_wangji]

"As will I," he promises, knowing that Wei Ying is already far better at it than Lan Wangji. Wei Ying just has the bad fortune of choosing a man who is shaken by uncertainty and far better at hiding his anger.

"Wei Ying is already a good partner," he says, tucking wild, errant strands of hair behind his ear. "Patient with a man who does not even know fun when he could choose someone far more like himself. I am fortunate."

[yiling_laozu]

Despite the high minded words and declarations that have fed their evening, Wei Wuxian snorts against Lan Wangji's shoulder. "Could I?" he asks, lifting his head at last. "Lan Zhan is all I could think about from the moment I saw him. I don't believe choice was ever part of the proceedings."

He leans in, brushing a kiss to Lan Wangji's cheek for the sheer joy of doing so. "But I think this concept of fun troubles you. There's no reason we can't find something to amuse you, Lan Zhan. If it isn't something others would consider fun, that will not surprise me at all. All that matters is that you enjoy it."

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji gives Wei Ying a flat look, remembering clearly Wei Ying's insistence that Lan Wangji had been interested in MianMian. He is not so certain Wei Ying always had Lan Wangji on his mind in such a way.

"It troubles me because I worry Wei Ying will grow bored with someone who does not understand something that all children understand," he admits, threading his fingers through Wei Ying's as he speaks. "Have now met several of your friends and they are like you in the things they enjoy." Even Klaus, he thinks, with much consternation. "Do you want me to learn to be more fun?"

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian returns that look with one of bewilderment, assuming Lan Wangji believes such early affection impossible. Perhaps he hadn't called it that in those days, or recognized what it was, but shijie had, and Wei Wuxian has now finally caught up.

"Lan Zhan is already the most fascinating man in the world," he says freely. "And I like my friends who will behave as ridiculously as I want to very much, but I don't want to kiss them at all. So I don't think it matters if you are fun, Lan Zhan. I only mean that if it troubles you, we can surely find a way for you to experience fun."

[lan_wangji]

This, he does not understand. Wei Ying is fascinating. He is brilliant and creative and lively and impulsive. He cannot fathom what about himself Wei Ying finds fascinating aside from the ability to adhere to so many rules or stand very still for a very long time but he is afraid if he questions it, the veil will somehow be lifted for Wei Ying.

"Am fortunate that Wei Ying feels so," he murmurs, kissing his knuckles. "I will consider this. It is more that I dislike not understanding something that you hold dear." Feeling strange and separate from others is something Lan Wangji has felt all his life, even in Gusu, to the point that he wore it as a badge of pride. But with Wei Ying, he cannot stand it. "Want to come with you, next time you do something you deem fun."