For Wei Ying - Flying

[lan_wangji]

Lan Zhan had started making a mental list, lately. It is not so different from the almost unconscious observations he'd made about Wei Ying when they were young, but now more laden with affection. There are, in spite of everything, things that seem to still bring Wei Ying brief moments of joy. Thus far it largely involves meat pastries and dangerous water activities but Wei Ying had mentioned flying. And Lan Zhan has found a lake.

He hopes the fly will soften the conversation they must have.

He arrives at the graveyard, stifling a sigh at the fact that Wei Ying still will not live anywhere proper, laden with dinner and Bichen.

He does not immediately see him and stands still, waiting. "Wei Ying?"

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[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji stands as soon as Wei Ying jumps up, fists clenched and he tries to anticipate what he needs to do.

He nods abruptly, not yet making a move to reach out.

"Sick with a fever but with healers, safe and clean and fed," he murmurs, aching as he watches numerous emotions flicker across Wei Ying's face. "Brother will care for him. He will be allowed to stay. I begged for it before punishment began. Zewujun will follow through."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian makes a low, agonized sound, grabbing for Lan Wangji's hands. He'd tried to so hard to save them, to keep them alive in a land that only welcomed the dead, and he'd lost them, but Lan Wangji...Lan Wangji has saved the one dearest to his heart.

Jerkily, he begins to bow, but it isn't enough, and Wei Wuxian falls to his knees, forehead pressed to the top of one of Lan Wangji's white boots.

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji gasps, frozen for several long moments in shock before he realizes what has happened.

"Don't, please," he mutters, going to his knees and reaching for Wei Ying to try and pull him upright. "I should have already been there, with you. Don't deserve this. Wei Ying was so brave, brave for them. I'm sorry I was not there."

[yiling_laozu]

That boy had been the only hopeful thing in Yiling, and his salvation is not something to be dismissed. Wei Wuxian shakes his head, all his many words trapped behind the knot in his throat as he struggles for breath. The first sob that comes is a relief, and Wei Wuxian shakes with them, clutching at Lan Wangji's hands as he struggles to master himself.

"You saved him," he croaks. "That child was - he didn't deserve - " The hands he's holding aren't enough, and Wei Wuxian crawls forward, throwing his arms around Lan Wangji's neck and holding tight. "Thank you, Lan Zhan. Thank you."

[lan_wangji]

He wants to protest, wants to explain that he doesn't deserve thanks. He wants to explain that there are still things he cannot tell Wei Ying, things he is not sure he'll be forgiven for keeping from him.

But Wei Ying is in his arms and he only has this one good thing to offer him. He manages to unfreeze himself to carefully wrap his arms around Wei Ying's back, hoping he isn't too stiff, that he is actually offering comfort.

"That is the only good news I know to give you," he whispers, fingers wrapping in Wei Ying's robes. "Would do anything to give you more."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian squeezes him, thinking little of Lan Wangji's strict idea of propriety as he buries his face in his hair, smearing tears against his white robes. He holds him and shudders with it, pressed on all sides by crushing relief. He wishes he could see the boy again and hold him, too, but just knowing that he lives is more than he ever expected to have.

"I didn't think there was any to give at all."

[lan_wangji]

"There is only that," Lan Wangji murmurs, bringing one hand up to cup the back of Wei Ying's head, fingers lightly moving through the tangled hair.

"Do not know if you cannot remember or if it is something else. Many things have happened in just those few days you do not know of. But knew you needed to know this. Am sorry he will grow up in Gusu, know it is not how you would have him raised."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian pulls back at last, shaking his head. "I would not have chosen Gusu," he admits. They both know he finds it too stuffy, and a child like A-Yuan deserves to run and play and be happy, all of which are seemingly forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.

"But he will have you," he says, lifting his head. If there was anyone to raise him in his stead save for shijie, Wei Wuxian would choose Lan Wangji.

[lan_wangji]

He considers, for a moment, keeping quiet. It would not be a lie, exactly, it would simply be what he has always done. Avoidance through silence.

But if Lan Wangji cannot give him every truth, every terrible truth, he can at least tell him everything he knows of what awaits A-Yuan.

"Brother will raise him for the next three years while I am in exile and healing. But Brother will raise him warmly and kindly as he did me. I am not how I am because of how Brother raised me. A-Yuan will be different, better."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian's hopeful expression sours considerably. He likes Lan Xichen, even if the man surely no longer returns the sentiment, but he is no Lan Wangji. But that's not what makes him angry. "You will need three years to heal when they are done with you?" he asks, sitting back.

"And be exiled also? Is the Lan clan now rivaling the Jins for cruelty?" He scowls at him - it simply doesn't make sense. Lan Wangji is revered. How could his own clan treat him thusly? "What on earth did you do, Lan Zhan?"

[lan_wangji]

He lowers his eyes, not in shame but in a grim sense of satisfaction. He is not sorry for what he did. He earned all thirty three lashes and three years in cold exile is the least of what he is owed for his failing.

"Something that I chose and would choose again," he answers simply, frowning as he looks upon the drying tear tracks on Wei Ying's face. He follows that same boldness that accompanied the satisfaction and raises a corner of his robe to wipe underneath his eyes.

[yiling_laozu]

The gesture is so like shijie's that Wei Wuxian freezes in surprise. It's been ages since he was touched kindly, by her or by anyone, and his eyes heat all over again. "Because of me?" he asks, his voice considerably smaller. He's long ago made his peace with suffering for what he believes is right, but he never meant to hurt so many on his chosen path.

He catches Lan Wangji's wrist. "Am I why they were so angry with you?"

[lan_wangji]

"No," he says, twisting his wrist a little to grasp at Wei Ying's sleeve. "Finally stood up for what was right. And I was angry, very angry for things that happened when you do not remember."

He gives Wei Ying's sleeve a slight tug. "I did something very forbidden, chose to do it knowing the punishment. Would do it, again. Wei Ying is good for Lan Wangji, made him better."

[yiling_laozu]

Nothing that's happened can be undone. Wei Wuxian knows this. Every moment lived, good or bad cannot be taken back, but it helps to hear it even when it's too late. He'd been so alone then, surrounded by the Wens but separate from them, made into something Other just to protect them. Jiang Cheng had visited but spent most of his time there judging him. Lan Wangji's one visit had been the only light in the darkness. What would it have been like if he could have kept that light? "If we could do it again," he says, "You would stand with me? Not only let me leave with the Wens in Qiongqi Path, but come with me, too?"

[lan_wangji]

He would, in spite of everything he would have lost, he would. "Mm," he hums, grabbing at Wei Ying's hand firmly. To do such a thing, to turn one's back on their world so defiantly had not been something Lan Wangji had thought possible. To leave his home, leave his brother with the entirety of Gusu Lan Sect to watch over had been something that seemed impossible and selfish.

But he would.

"Broke the promise we made to protect. Wei Ying did not. You were right to do as you did."

[yiling_laozu]

Lan Wangji's touch, normally so rare, is wrapped solidly around his hand, and Wei Wuxian breathes an incredulous breath. He knows the enormity of what Lan Wangji would be leaving behind, for he had left behind his own clan, too, trod his reputation into dust and only looked back for the faces that he missed. It might only exist in their minds, but there is now a version of their story where Wei Wuxian does not walk alone.

He breaks into a sudden, marveling smile. "I always thought you'd be the one to finally face me down," he admits. "I like you standing at my side so much more, Lan Zhan."

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji blinks dumbly at Wei Ying's face, caught entirely unprepared even after years of exposure to Wei Ying's smile.

He is so painfully lovely.

"Never wanted to stand against Wei Ying. Only wanted him safe," he says, hand still clutching Wei Ying's. "This place can be new for Wei Ying. No one here is fighting you. No need to hide away with the dead, here."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian hums, wiping the worst of the dampness from his face with his free sleeve. "I feel less empty around the dead," he admits. "It's the same when you play for me, but you cannot play for me all the time, Lan Zhan," he says, squeezing their joined hands.

"But you are right. No one here is fighting me." Though knowing Wei Wuxian, that will surely come in time.

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji silently promises to look into a way to play all the time or some approximation of it. There must be something.

"If Wei Ying feels empty he can live with me," he announces, immediately imagining the chaos of living together in his terrible home and accepting the insanity in the same moment. "Can get a new home. No need to be alone with the dead. Sleep in a bed, let me cook for you."

There is something that feels insidious every time Lan Wangji steps foot in the cemetery, something coming from Wei Ying himself and he is terrified of what it could be.

[yiling_laozu]

It is tempting.

Wei Wuxian doesn't mind the burial grounds, but he doesn't love them, either. For a man determined to forge his own narrow path, he isn't a person made for solitude. Still, the thought of living in the strange, too bright rooms inside the stone buildings holds no appeal.

"There are homes in the country," he ventures. "Agatha-guniang told me so."

[lan_wangji]

"Told me the same," he says, eyes widening as he does not hear an outright refusal. "Homes even near this lake. I could find a way to earn the paper money they use, here."

His mind races, thinking of who might know how to procure such a home and how he could make this a reality.

"Think I would enjoy your company," he says, wanting to ask more, wanting to ask if there is something about the grounds that Wei Ying requires, that the resentful energy requires but he is too afraid to ruin Wei Ying's tentative happiness.

[yiling_laozu]

"Do you suppose there's any along the river?" Wei Wuxian asks. The lakeside is far superior to the city, but part of him will always long for swiftly running water. A home there almost seems possible, and Wei Wuxian finds himself thrumming with new energy.

"Of course, Lan Zhan must learn to swim," he says. "I enjoy your company also, it would be extremely disappointing of you to drown and spoil it."

[lan_wangji]

"I would never drown," he sniffs, scorn born of embarrassment at the idea rather than any sort of confidence.

He sits back, looking over the serene water but understanding that Wei Ying would need something with movement, something with energy. Wei Ying longs for such movement the same way that Lan Wangji longs for stillness.

"Can find something along the river," he states, vowing to begin the search the next day. "If Wei Ying would truly want it, can find something. I, I want it. Dislike the current home. Cannot find peace in it."

[yiling_laozu]

"It is wretched," says Wei Wuxian bluntly. "And it doesn't suit you at all." He really has been remiss, not attempting to find better for Lan Wangji before now.

"Still," he says, "I'm not convinced you can swim. And you said you wished to float," he presses, gesturing to the lake beside them with raised brows.

[lan_wangji]

"Said I wished to know the appeal," he mutters, although he is aware he implicated the desire to do so, away from prying eyes.

He stands, embarrassment at not knowing how to do this shifting to determination to master it, immediately. If it is a thing children do, Hanguang-Jun should know how to do it, should be proficient and it must be remedied.

His usual reticence to disrobe is lessened by knowing Wei Ying had seen him in a worse state when he had cleaned his wounds and he takes off his hair piece and forehead ribbon with confident motions. "Will float."