For Wei Ying - Flying

[lan_wangji]

Lan Zhan had started making a mental list, lately. It is not so different from the almost unconscious observations he'd made about Wei Ying when they were young, but now more laden with affection. There are, in spite of everything, things that seem to still bring Wei Ying brief moments of joy. Thus far it largely involves meat pastries and dangerous water activities but Wei Ying had mentioned flying. And Lan Zhan has found a lake.

He hopes the fly will soften the conversation they must have.

He arrives at the graveyard, stifling a sigh at the fact that Wei Ying still will not live anywhere proper, laden with dinner and Bichen.

He does not immediately see him and stands still, waiting. "Wei Ying?"

Comments

[lan_wangji]

"Never!" he huffs, looking affronted at even the thought. Wei Ying is right, the men look like overgrown children. "It is a sign of maturity, long hair. Why would one want to look as they did when they were a baby? There is no sense in it."

He is pleased to hear so, however, pleased that Wei Ying will not be cutting his lovely hair any time soon.

"Wei Ying does not wish to dress more as they do? As he did at the beach? You would not be stared at, as much. Could be part of them," he tries to explain, unsure if he expressed himself clearly. He does not want it, fears it, but Wei Ying ought to have many friends and surely it would be easier if he looked more like them.

[yiling_laozu]

This earns him another snort, one far less amused. "I could not even be a part of my own people at home," he reminds him. "My own family. How could I be a part of anything here? Besides," he says, forcing lightness back into his voice.

"I look best in robes, don't you think?" He sets down his bowl. "Am I handome, Lan Zhan?"

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying could be a part of any people," he immediately argues, gearing himself up into a righteous fit before the questions filters through.

His ears immediately burn and he picks up his food again, muttering a quick, "No talking while eating," before taking a very decisive bite.

He eats more quickly than is allowed, looking determinedly over the calm lake. The evening is warm and sky clear and he hopes they can come back to this place again, some time when there is not such serious things to discuss.

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian plucks his own bowl from the grass and finishes the last of it, privately thrilling at the sight of Lan Wangji's bright red ears. He is always so easy to rile, even after all these years. It's actually quite comforting.

"I'm done eating," he announces. "If you aren't going to tell me I look handsome in my robes, then I'll be forced to talk about how you look in them, Lan Zhan."

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji shakes his head, barely stifling a roll of the eyes as he sets his food down and meticulously recovers it before muttering, "Wei Ying knows he is handsome."

It had been the next thing Lan Wangji had noticed after getting past the alcohol and the sneaking in and the general chaos of their meeting. It had been very, very irritating to notice.

"Wei Ying," he starts, quieter and more modulated. "Want to talk with you. Not to question you. But have something that I believe you would want to know."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian scarcely has time to bask in the rare compliment before Lan Wangji turns terribly serious, and Wei Wuxian feels his other thoughts drop away, all of him suddenly primed as if for a fight. Which is silly when they aren't fighting, and Lan Wangji has already told him he doesn't mean to argue with him about the burial grounds today.

Still, he can't help feeling that something unpleasant is coming, and he meets Lan Wangji's eyes with equal somberness. "Tell me, Lan Zhan."

[lan_wangji]

"There are many things Wei Ying does not remember," he says, trying to quickly get past this part to stave off any further arguments. "Do not think you ought to know all of them as for you they did not occur. There was so much chaos, difficult to know what knowledge you do and do not have."

He trails off, brow furrowed as he remembers the frantic flight to the Burial Mounds against Uncle's orders. Perhaps he would have gotten to Wei Ying before everything fell apart but he knows it would have meant he was unable to give this one piece of good news. "A-Yuan is not dead. Think you believe he is."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian doesn't know what he expects to hear, but it isn't this. A-Yuan, who left with the rest of the Wens to Carp Tower? A-Yuan, a sweet and innocent, trusting child, who was murdered just because of his blood?

Wei Wuxian shakes his head, a feeling of prickling unease washing over him. A-Yuan is dead, and he mourns him harder than any of them, even his dear Wen siblings. He aches for him, and Lan Wangji wishes to offer him hope when he is trying so desperately to keep himself together?

"I know he's dead," he says, and it takes every drop of concentration within him to keep his voice steady. "Jin Guangshan killed even the grandmothers. We saw the Jin clan hunting mothers and children alike. He would not have spared that child."

[lan_wangji]

"No," he insists, leaning forward as he tries to catch Wei Ying's haunted gaze. "Wens must have hidden him when they left. Heard about Jin Zuxian and went to find you. Arrived and found A-Yuan instead."

He hesitates for a moment before reaching out to lay a hand on Wei Ying's bony knee. "He is in Gusu with Brother. Zewujun promised to watch over him for me."

He does not mention the reason Lan Wangji would be unable to watch over him, it is not the point of any of this.

[yiling_laozu]

"He was still in Yiling," Wei Wuxian whispers. He'd lain in the cave paralyzed for days, straining to move despite Wen Qing's needles, exhausting himself in his efforts to go after his last family until he'd been exhausted. Not once had he heard A-Yuan. "I thought he - "

Abruptly, Wei Wuxian stands. He doesn't know where he means to go, only that this isn't the sort of news he can comprehend sitting down. "He is in Gusu?" His voice shakes, breaths rattling in his chest against the sudden tightness that threatens to suffocate him. "He's alive?"

[lan_wangji]

Lan Wangji stands as soon as Wei Ying jumps up, fists clenched and he tries to anticipate what he needs to do.

He nods abruptly, not yet making a move to reach out.

"Sick with a fever but with healers, safe and clean and fed," he murmurs, aching as he watches numerous emotions flicker across Wei Ying's face. "Brother will care for him. He will be allowed to stay. I begged for it before punishment began. Zewujun will follow through."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian makes a low, agonized sound, grabbing for Lan Wangji's hands. He'd tried to so hard to save them, to keep them alive in a land that only welcomed the dead, and he'd lost them, but Lan Wangji...Lan Wangji has saved the one dearest to his heart.

Jerkily, he begins to bow, but it isn't enough, and Wei Wuxian falls to his knees, forehead pressed to the top of one of Lan Wangji's white boots.

[lan_wangji]

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji gasps, frozen for several long moments in shock before he realizes what has happened.

"Don't, please," he mutters, going to his knees and reaching for Wei Ying to try and pull him upright. "I should have already been there, with you. Don't deserve this. Wei Ying was so brave, brave for them. I'm sorry I was not there."

[yiling_laozu]

That boy had been the only hopeful thing in Yiling, and his salvation is not something to be dismissed. Wei Wuxian shakes his head, all his many words trapped behind the knot in his throat as he struggles for breath. The first sob that comes is a relief, and Wei Wuxian shakes with them, clutching at Lan Wangji's hands as he struggles to master himself.

"You saved him," he croaks. "That child was - he didn't deserve - " The hands he's holding aren't enough, and Wei Wuxian crawls forward, throwing his arms around Lan Wangji's neck and holding tight. "Thank you, Lan Zhan. Thank you."

[lan_wangji]

He wants to protest, wants to explain that he doesn't deserve thanks. He wants to explain that there are still things he cannot tell Wei Ying, things he is not sure he'll be forgiven for keeping from him.

But Wei Ying is in his arms and he only has this one good thing to offer him. He manages to unfreeze himself to carefully wrap his arms around Wei Ying's back, hoping he isn't too stiff, that he is actually offering comfort.

"That is the only good news I know to give you," he whispers, fingers wrapping in Wei Ying's robes. "Would do anything to give you more."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian squeezes him, thinking little of Lan Wangji's strict idea of propriety as he buries his face in his hair, smearing tears against his white robes. He holds him and shudders with it, pressed on all sides by crushing relief. He wishes he could see the boy again and hold him, too, but just knowing that he lives is more than he ever expected to have.

"I didn't think there was any to give at all."

[lan_wangji]

"There is only that," Lan Wangji murmurs, bringing one hand up to cup the back of Wei Ying's head, fingers lightly moving through the tangled hair.

"Do not know if you cannot remember or if it is something else. Many things have happened in just those few days you do not know of. But knew you needed to know this. Am sorry he will grow up in Gusu, know it is not how you would have him raised."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian pulls back at last, shaking his head. "I would not have chosen Gusu," he admits. They both know he finds it too stuffy, and a child like A-Yuan deserves to run and play and be happy, all of which are seemingly forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.

"But he will have you," he says, lifting his head. If there was anyone to raise him in his stead save for shijie, Wei Wuxian would choose Lan Wangji.

[lan_wangji]

He considers, for a moment, keeping quiet. It would not be a lie, exactly, it would simply be what he has always done. Avoidance through silence.

But if Lan Wangji cannot give him every truth, every terrible truth, he can at least tell him everything he knows of what awaits A-Yuan.

"Brother will raise him for the next three years while I am in exile and healing. But Brother will raise him warmly and kindly as he did me. I am not how I am because of how Brother raised me. A-Yuan will be different, better."

[yiling_laozu]

Wei Wuxian's hopeful expression sours considerably. He likes Lan Xichen, even if the man surely no longer returns the sentiment, but he is no Lan Wangji. But that's not what makes him angry. "You will need three years to heal when they are done with you?" he asks, sitting back.

"And be exiled also? Is the Lan clan now rivaling the Jins for cruelty?" He scowls at him - it simply doesn't make sense. Lan Wangji is revered. How could his own clan treat him thusly? "What on earth did you do, Lan Zhan?"

[lan_wangji]

He lowers his eyes, not in shame but in a grim sense of satisfaction. He is not sorry for what he did. He earned all thirty three lashes and three years in cold exile is the least of what he is owed for his failing.

"Something that I chose and would choose again," he answers simply, frowning as he looks upon the drying tear tracks on Wei Ying's face. He follows that same boldness that accompanied the satisfaction and raises a corner of his robe to wipe underneath his eyes.

[yiling_laozu]

The gesture is so like shijie's that Wei Wuxian freezes in surprise. It's been ages since he was touched kindly, by her or by anyone, and his eyes heat all over again. "Because of me?" he asks, his voice considerably smaller. He's long ago made his peace with suffering for what he believes is right, but he never meant to hurt so many on his chosen path.

He catches Lan Wangji's wrist. "Am I why they were so angry with you?"

[lan_wangji]

"No," he says, twisting his wrist a little to grasp at Wei Ying's sleeve. "Finally stood up for what was right. And I was angry, very angry for things that happened when you do not remember."

He gives Wei Ying's sleeve a slight tug. "I did something very forbidden, chose to do it knowing the punishment. Would do it, again. Wei Ying is good for Lan Wangji, made him better."

[yiling_laozu]

Nothing that's happened can be undone. Wei Wuxian knows this. Every moment lived, good or bad cannot be taken back, but it helps to hear it even when it's too late. He'd been so alone then, surrounded by the Wens but separate from them, made into something Other just to protect them. Jiang Cheng had visited but spent most of his time there judging him. Lan Wangji's one visit had been the only light in the darkness. What would it have been like if he could have kept that light? "If we could do it again," he says, "You would stand with me? Not only let me leave with the Wens in Qiongqi Path, but come with me, too?"

[lan_wangji]

He would, in spite of everything he would have lost, he would. "Mm," he hums, grabbing at Wei Ying's hand firmly. To do such a thing, to turn one's back on their world so defiantly had not been something Lan Wangji had thought possible. To leave his home, leave his brother with the entirety of Gusu Lan Sect to watch over had been something that seemed impossible and selfish.

But he would.

"Broke the promise we made to protect. Wei Ying did not. You were right to do as you did."